I don’t know what is worse. Not getting any sleep or sleeping and wondering if I will find him not breathing when I wake up in the morning?! This makes three mornings in a row I have woke before him. He slept for about 13 hours last night. The sleep I have been able to get the last few nights has been wonderful, but those mornings… I have laid in the bed listening for him to breathe or cough or just any sign of movement. After an hour or so of trying to make myself be a big girl and face the possibility he may not be breathing when I open his bedroom door, I find him still breathing for another day; another moment… *sigh* … One day it is going to be a different story. I keep telling myself: “He will be in a better place with no more pain and suffering; that he will be then be breathing without help from a machine; no more catheter; no more walker; he will once again be with the love of his life; and, he will be with Jesus forever” … Still, as good as these things are, they do not make this journey any easier. I don’t want him to struggle to take his last breath and I sure don’t want to be there to watch it.
His Case Nurse came by this afternoon to treat the red spot on his rear. Hopefully that will help it feel better. He is constipated again so she did a suppository and we helped walk him to the bathroom. We talked in the living room while he tried to do his business. After no luck with that, we tried warm water. (She is so good to us! These are things I have problems doing for myself, let alone for my Daddy.) All the pain meds are causing the constipation. He really doesn’t have much in his system to actually get rid of but he thinks he does so we will do what we need to help it along. It was an awkward situation for me and Daddy but his Nurse had Daddy laughing so hard he could hardly breathe… (let your imagination take over here…) Later, he told her, “A couple of days ago, I thought it was the end.” She asked him, “Would that be so bad?” Of course he said, “No”, but there is part of him that isn’t ready to leave this world. Maybe that is why he has such a hard time going to sleep… I think he is worried about leaving me. Just my thoughts… She waited around a little longer and said if he still didn’t go by morning to give him a little Magnesium Citrate.
Dear Lord, thank You for another day and all the blessings in my life, great and small. Thank You for the patience and compassion You have given me to handle my days. Thank You for the sleep we have had the last few nights. Thank You for not turning Your back on me when You have every right. Lord, please watch over us tonight; keep us safe. Please watch over my cousin and heal his broken body. Bless my friends and family. Bless Daddy’s nurse. Lord, please help my family understand that he needs them and not just when I call for help. Help them also understand that I need a break from all of this and that they need to “offer” and not wait for a request. Lord, please hear my unspoken prayers. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.