Since I can’t figure out how to post a new blog linked to Facebook, and still stay under Caregiver1995, I guess I will continue my blog here until I do. I have realized this is keeping me alive at a time when it would be so easy to just give up.
March 22, 2012 – New Beginnings
March 20, 2012 – Daddy’s breathing went from 6 a minute the night before to 31 to just going on to eternal sleep in a matter of hours. No struggling for life or breath… Long enough for me, his nurse, and social worker to have lunch; he just went to sleep. Caregiver1995 did her job to the best of her abilities and signed off her blog the night of his death but has since realized, in order for her to keep her own life going, the blog needs to continue. Maybe in a different way.
My precious Daddy was laid to rest on March 22, 2012. Funeral services were at Browns in Bessemer with police escorts (he so deserved that) – donated time from a friend and his friend (what angels they were) – to the burial at Jefferson Memorial Gardens – Sermon on the Mount in Hoover next to the love of his life. It was storming that day. He loved a good storm but over the years he hurt so much before the storms, it was just too painful and he could feel them coming. That day, he didn’t have to hurt. He knew how much I loved a good storm, too. I guess we both felt peace on his day of rest. It was the weather we once both loved. Did he ask that for me?! Somehow, I think he did.
If I had not done what I did, would he have been gone years ago or would he still be here? Did I take the wrong road years ago when we found cancer was back for the second time? How different would things would have been if I had just not pursued his well-being. Maybe his last days would not have been so difficult if I had just ignored the beginning. Maybe they would have been even worse? (That is scary to imagine… even more difficult days.) I really don’t think he would have been with us as long as he was if I had not begged the doctors to pursue his symptoms. I have to believe I did what I was supposed to do for him, every step of the way, as difficult as it all was, I did what I was supposed to do at just the right time. BUT, if I had just ignored it all, he wouldn’t have had to suffer with COPD. I believe that is worse than cancer! Why did he have to go through that pain? Was it my fault?! Oh God! … Did he suffer this pain because of me?! Take me now and punish me if I made him suffer more than he should have, please! … (I think I remember asking basically the same thing when Mama died).
It will take a very long time for me to get over all of this; just to move on; just to get back to a sleep schedule; just to feel a need to get out of bed every morning! But I will, only because I have to. Not because I want to. I’m sure one day the pain will be just a memory. That is not how it is now. I just walked close to his dark room and felt a panic attack coming on…
One day at a time…. Sweet Jesus! … One day at a time….
Dear Lord, Thank You for all You have given me. The time with my Daddy was special and I am so thankful You allowed me to spend the last few years by his side. Thank You for the friends and family in my life who continue to make me get out of the house when I don’t want to. Lord, please bless everyone in my life with all of their needs and their most precious and deserving desires. But, Lord, make them realize every day is a gift from You and for them to use it wisely! In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.
March 28, 2012 – He’s Not There
I had errands to run today. The first I have made myself get away from this house for more than 30 minutes alone, since his funeral (not counting going to my brothers for dinner and a movie Saturday night or even Lowe’s with him on Sunday – this was just different; someone was “making” me get out… I made MYSELF get out). It felt really strange to be able to go and do without any time frame to return. I thought of him the entire time. I thought I would get everything I needed to make a Banana Pudding for him … he is not there…Kept thinking I needed to get back home, but he is not there! He has been my world for so many years. How do I find my own life again? I’m not sure I want to. If I only had to leave home to go to the grocery store for necessities, I would be perfectly content.
Dear Lord, thank You for this beautiful Spring day. Thank You for all the blessings You have given me. Thank You for Your love; thank You for the people You have put in my circle of life. Please bless each one of them with all their needs. Lord, please help me see the next door You plan to open in my life. Please don’t let the appeal be denied again and let this be over soon. Please forgive my sins. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.
March 29, 2012 – Do I Have to Get Out of Bed?
Getting out of bed is becoming harder and harder and it’s only been a week. I’m afraid it is going to take a very long time to recoup the sleep I lost over the last several months. Even though I had no real reason to get up today, I managed to force myself. (I think I could stay in bed forever, well except to go to the bathroom! haha)
I started a load of clothes. The floors were so dirty from all the people in and out over the last week but most of all from the tracks of my four-legged babies, so I got the vacuum out, then mopped. (What was I thinking?) Only an hour and my body just couldn’t handle any more. Oh for the days where I could “go” from daylight til dark! The Fibromyalgia got the best of me. (I think doing the laundry hurts worse than anything. Maybe it is one of the “perks” of being short? The pulling action from the washer to the dryer is painful.) As usual, I sat on the front porch swing while I waited on the floors to dry. (Daddy and I used to sit on the porch together often before he got so sick…Today would have been one of those days… Once again, I had to force myself to get up and move.) Got a shower (still feels strange to be able to take a shower when I want) then had a few errands to run. One was a necessity or I would not have left home today.
I can go when and where I want now, and now, I don’t want to. For months I have either not been able to leave home or have had to make arrangements for someone to sit with Daddy while I hurried about my errands. (This could take some time.)
There are two messages on my phone from Daddy; one from January, the other from February, about 5 days apart and both around 2:15am (during the time I was sleeping in my bed instead of the recliner in his room). I played them a few times today just to hear his voice. He sounded so pitiful and needed my help. It was his voice, what can I say? (Excuse me while I cry for a few minutes…)
I just want to crawl under a rock and live there. Everyone has been so good to check on me; to get me out of the house but I really just want to stay here with the cats and dog and never leave again.
Have I already said both my parents died in the same room? Yep, 15 years and 6 weeks apart. Sorry if I have repeated myself. I didn’t have time to grieve for my mother’s passing; she was my best friend. I buried her and went immediately to taking care of Daddy; being the strong one. I think I will take the time to grieve for both now.
Maybe I will stay in bed tomorrow… maybe the whole weekend.
Dear Lord, thank You for making me get out of bed today to see the beautiful things You have created just for this one day… the new leaves, the beautiful flowers, a beautiful sky, special people who feel what my heart is feeling. Thank You for watching over me and my world. Please tell Mama and Daddy I miss them dearly but I will see them again one day. They both have perfect bodies again. I know they are happy together for eternity… I can ONLY imagine what it is like for them now. Lord, please forgive my sins. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen